I need to stop coming to work sober
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
