i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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