last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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