so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
