I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
