I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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