Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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