apparently the secret to your success is patron
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
