So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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