You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
