Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
