Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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