I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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