Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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