What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
