Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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