I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
