just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
