I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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