i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
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