i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
