So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
