Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
