mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
