I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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