I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Someone shattered a urinal.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
