I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
