I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
