When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
