Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize