Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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