You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize