Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
