Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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