can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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