girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
