I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
