I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
