I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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