I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
