the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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