i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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