This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
