can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
