trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Success! We fucked roommates!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
