i need an iv and a liver transplant
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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