Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
