Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
