So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
