I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
