Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
