At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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