I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
