mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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