Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
