one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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