I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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