last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
