This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
did i just pee glitter
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
