You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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