roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
