Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
