she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
