Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I supernannyed him into submission
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
