we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
